Squirrelpocalypse Now: Coming of the Squirrelmaggedon is Back!

Beware, the below photos show squirrel-on-man violence.

The story: a man was innocently walking through a park wanting to take a selfie with a precocious squirrel.

According to the young man, “I approached it making a clicking noise with my tongue; phone drawn... When I got close enough, the squirrel actually tried grabbing my phone. I shook it off, then snapped this photo.”

That's when the horror began.

“Next thing I knew, the squirrel was on my shoulder, then under my shirt, and then hanging off my back!” He told BuzzFeed. “This photo is courtesy of my mom, who collapsed laughing shortly after.”

Oh yes. She had to laugh to keep from crying at a our inevitable doom. Thanks to Buzzfeed for bringing us this undoubtable proof of the coming squirrelmaggedon.

We have been warned.

Squirrelmageddon: Coming of the Squirrelpocalypse

This guy knows what's up.

Rick Nadeau runs a taxidermy business where he poses squirrels doing what they do best (but what the "lamestream" media doesn't want you to know): carrying deadly weapons and giving a Clint Eastwood-worthy sneer.

No surprises here: business is thriving.

Keep fighting the good fight, Rick!

[via HuffPo]

90 Corgis in Costume: Best Thing Ever?

I have been rationing myself to 10 corgi pictures a day all week so that on Friday I can go crazy and look 40 pictures and then my heart will explode. The full list is on Buzzfeed.

Seriously, just look at this squirrel corgi!

We should have him infiltrate the squirrel militias and defeat their plans to take over the world from the inside. That corgi could totally do it with just one puppy-eyed look.

And this businesscorgi could sweep financial and (further) health reform through Congress no sweat! No one would say 'no' to a millionaire's tax if HE suggested it!

Project Squirrel? Project Squirrelpocalypse!

Woah, woah, woah - I like the idea of something called, "Project Squirrel" but only if it's a secret spy organization bent on exposing squirrels for the evil little monsters they are!

But I do love this line from the Scientific American article on PS, "Squirrels are worth studying because they are active during the day and everyone has an opinion about them."

Yes, everyone has an opinion on it, but only mine is right.

Crows Never Forget

The hilariously named "Proceedings of the Royal Society B" published a study revealing that crows can remember the faces of those (humans!) who've wronged them for over five years. Because crows are social and eerily smart, their whole flock can remember a person's face even if just one crow in the flock was wronged by him or her. Of course, what's the good of remembering the person's face if you don't do anything about it? Well, they've worked that out, too. The entire flock will attack that person every time they see them in the future.

So remember - you can insult and belittle crows as much as you want to your friends, but never to a crow's face, or in a park, or outdoors at all really, or with a window open... maybe you just shouldn't insult the crows.

I'm personally set for life with crows, though. They won't harm me. When I was in 4th grade, I saved a crow who's wing was broken and gave him to a rehabilitation center. Clearly, I didn't take advantage of this situation enough, though, or else I could have been the Queen of the Crows and used their mighty memories to attack all those who have wronged me.

Hmm... I wonder if crows are insulted or feel respected by the band Counting Crows. I'd be careful about playing outdoor concerts if I were them. Just in case.

... First the squirrels, now the crows... what forest-to-urban dwelling creature will come after us next?

[Article on Discovery News via Mental Floss]

The Bronx Zoo Cobra has been Found!

While I'm happy that I only need to check my toilet for regular snakes now, I am a little sad that I'll lose out of the stylings of the delightful @BronxZooCobra twitter.

I'm not saying it can't tweet from the Bronx Zoo, but really, what would it tweet about in there?

"Swallowed a rat whole. Don't have to eat for a week! Time to nap."

"Nap's over. Wow that week went fast. Wonder when the keeper will be here to give me my rat..."

"Rat's here! Swallowing it now. Tried to bite the keeper, but I missed. Oh well, there's always next week..."

Not the funniest stuff.

[You can read the full snake-in-a-toilet article here]

Squirrelpocalypse Now: Coming of the Squirrelmaggedon

So this, the Indian GIANT Squirrel (seriously, that's its name) exists. Just saying. You think I'm joking when I tell you they're coming to get us, but this thing could totally eat your baby. Or at least choke it to death like a boa constrictor using only its prehensile tail. Yeah, chew on that.

Squirrelmageddon: Squirrelpocalypse Now

Thanks to the brave hero/revolutionary filmmaker Mark Svoboda, we now know squirrels' one weakness: eating corn in an orderly, spiral-like manner.

A Clockwork Corn from Mark Svoboda on Vimeo.

Now if only we can harness this technology to destroy them. I'm thinking some sort of spiny corn device should do the trick.

Stay strong, readers! Those conniving rodents will get their comeuppance one day soon... very soon.

Squirrelpocalypse Now: Coming of the Squirrelmageddon

Yes, yes, they are going to kill us all. Just look at this "ravenous" (Serious Eats' word, not mine) beast - it's absolutely batsh*t crazy. You can see it in the tail.

However, we may have had a breakthrough in how we can avoid (or soften the blow) of the Squirrelpocalypse. How?

Shake Shack induced Type 2 Squirrel Diabetes. Look at that little demon - it's so clearly addicted to the Shack. It needs its fix, and if we give it to it, it will die marginally sooner than its already short lifespan.

If we employ this technique en masse, we can drop the average squirrel's lifespan from 3 years to 2. Even better, they'll spend their entire lives lusting after our fatty, sugary treats, so hypnotized, so entranced by peanut butter custard and shackburgers that they'll forget all about their plans for world domination.

Now we just have to get Shake Shack in on the deal. Who's good at PR? Also aggressivly persuading people to believe your conspiracy theories? Anyone? Anyone?

Yay for Feminist Parodies!

This is awesome. Major thanks for Brendon over at My Five Year Plan for finding amazing parody - lady's lib forever!



UPDATE: Also, Bill Clinton is ok! What a relief - not sure how much this fits in with a post about feminism (debate in the comments as you will), but it's still important.

Squirrelpocalypse Now: Coming of the Squirrelmageddon

Silly humans, little do they know that the "extra food" they put out for the tiny mutinous beasts will be turned into fuel for their Mankind Obliteration Tanks, their MOTs.

While we think we're "appreciating" the little maniacs' athletic escapades, they're actually using decoys to hypnotize us while they put their evil plan into action.

Don't be sucked in, Readers. Don't watch the videos. Don't feed them in the park. Don't listen to their soft chirpy chirps. Don't be fooled.

Because if today really is Squirrel Appreciation Day, we should appreciate how dangerous they really are. We should appreciate that in this game of Squirrel and Man, we have everything to lose.

Robots Squirrelpocalypse: Coming of the Robosquirrelmaggedon

This is adorable.



This is terrifying.

Mr. James Corbett, sir, while I respect your design aesthetic, please stop creating monsters that will initiate the squirrel revolt and destroy us all. Seriously, they're organized and devious enough as it is - stop giving them ideas!

Squirrelpocalypse Now: Coming of the Squirrelmageddon

Man's best friend tried to warn us, but the enemy has grown too strong.



"A bit of a reputation for a vicious streak" - clearly this journalist has not been reading my blog. All Artful Stew readers know this is normal behavior for a squirrel, the criminally insane, hyper-aggressive, adrenaline junkies they are.

Personally, I think this was a freak attack, an outsider, and this squirrel will be punished by its superiors - not for attacking, no, but for letting the news of the attack get out. The last thing THEY want us to know is just how powerful they are. And if a dog like this can't take one down, there isn't much hope left for the rest of us.

Squirrelpocalypse Now: The Coming of the Squirrelmageddon

They've infiltrated our sports - and just listen to what the commentator says - how could he have learned the army crawl if he hasn't been training with his squirrel legions for a massive worldwide takeover? Riddle me that, America!

Squirrelmageddon: The Coming of the Squirrelpocalypse

They had already begun to dress like us. Now, they're infiltrating our royalty. Pretty soon President Obama will seem a lot shorter and a lot scrappier and there's nothing we can do about it.

Get in your bunkers now, readers!

Spidatouille

You guys remember how in Ratatouille Remi controls Linguini by pulling his head hairs?

Well, this is nothing like that.

Squirrelpocalypse: Coming of the Squirrelmageddon

Genetic birth defect my ass. This killing machine is the first success in a series of experiments the underground Ministry for the Militant Mini-Militia of Squirrels is running to create a race of Super Bionic Megatron Squirrel-Soldiers. Did you read the lines? NO FEAR.

Next they'll get two sabers, then spines on their backs like porcupines (or hedgehogs, whichever they can develop first), poisonous back toes like platypus, and finally the ability to spit radioactive ink like radioactive octopi.

It's happening, world. Get ready to fight.

Squirrels on a Plane

Even I'll admit it. I didn't know the Squirrelpocalypse would begin in France or on scooters. I should have known. Now, it's too late.

It's Happening...

Look at them. Laughing. Unaware of the horrifying future that lay ahead...

The Squirrelpocalypse: Squirrelmageddon! is on its way! And this "cheeky squirrel" is only fanning the flames.

As if stealing focus (literally!) in one picture isn't enough, now he's gone viral?!

Artful Stew readers, unite against this desecration of humanity! Steal the focus back for mankind! They may take our silly vacation photos, but they can never take our freedom!

Uh Oh...

I knew it. Just when I thought the squirrels had given up, they've hired the rooks to solve all their mechanical problems. Now it's just a matter of time before...

Squirrelmagedon: Rookpocalypse Now

See it for yourself...