Thursday, February 26, 2009

Squirrels: Out for Acorns or Out to Get Us?

Squirrels. They're fuzzy, adorable, and excellent at harvesting nuts. But appearances can be deceiving. These seemingly innocent furballs have established such a nice, quiet rapport with us that we've been blind to the signals. The signals of our oncoming demise. Because soon these chubby-cheeked nose-wigglers won't be harvesting nuts... they'll be harvesting our organs.

Take a look at what I'm calling, "Squirrelpocalypse Now: Signs of Squirrelmageddon:"

First, they take over our bird feeders...

Outdone by Squirrels

Then, they develop a thirst for blood...

Destructive Eastern Grey Squirrel Expanding on Island

Next, they destroy any means of escape...

Mechanic Finds Squirrel Nest in Van's Engine

Finally, they attack our very source of power...

Wayward Squirrel Trips Transformer's Fusing, Causes Widespread Grand Haven Power Outage

Now they've got us right where they want us.

More on this story as we all slowly bleed to death by the tiny, razor sharp incisors of bloodthirsty, possibly vampire, squirrels

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Synonym Game: Round Two

Lack Synonyms:
defect, deficiency, deficient, inadequacy, insufficiency, paucity, poverty, scantiness

Lacks Synonyms:
transitive (0), WALL-E (0), synonym (2), cheese* (0), dangly** (2)

*Cheese as a noun has no synonyms. However, cheese as a verb meaning "to lie" or "to distort" has a plethora of synonyms, including but not limited to: embroider, garble, palter, puff, previcate, and, my favorite, cheese.

**Dangly has the hilarious synonym of "pensile." Hilarious because it's like a fancier way of spelling pencil. Yep. That's the only reason why it's funny...

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Synonym Game

Synonyms for Mindless:
Asinine, foolish, meaningless, silly

Mindless Synonyms:
Run: canter, whisk, fall, spurt, lift, flow
Happy: blithe, chirpy, sparkling, correct, gala
Red: inflamed, roseate, rufescent
Goo: yuck

Wake-Up Songs

Sometimes I wake up with songs in my head and I have absolutely no idea where they came from.

Some examples:

"Man! I feel like a woman" by Shania Twain
- Ok, I haven't physically listened to this song since I was at summer camp after eighth grade. Not to say it's a bad song, but my last interaction with it was during a line dance in Colorado when I was 14, so what's it doing popping in my head one morning seven years later? Clearly, my subconscious is telling me I haven't been fulfilling my line-dancing needs. Duly noted.

"Woo Hoo" by Blur
- This one's great because I had to google what this song was called and who sang it because the only lyrics I know are "woo hoo," and yet those two lyrics plus "guitar riff na na na na guitar riff" were rolling around in my head this morning. Having studied the lyrics, I can only surmise that my subconscious is a cheap floozy with a snarky attitude and a love of heavy metal and pointless daredevil stunts. I am surprisingly fine with this.

"Buddy Holly" by Weezer
- Clearly, my subconscious has been feeling nostalgic for the late 90s and early 2000s lately, as this is another song which I played on repeat for a week in high school and then promptly forgot about. Or, at least, I thought I did. I've decided that something happened during that week that left an indelible impression on my soul, one of those moments of change and growth and transformation, etc. Oh! I think that was the week I got off-campus lunch privileges. Mmmm... Chipotle!

"5 Dollar Foot Long" aka the Subway Jingle
- That's just good advertising. I really hope my subconscious is getting paid for in-dream commercials. I'm expecting a check next week, Subway.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Let's Do It!

Massive Solar Power Project Proposed in North Africa

It's about time we put those deserts to work!

Seriously, the dune industry really tanked after 2157 BC with the discovery that sand, while appealing in color and providing a nice crunch to a meal, does not make a tasty snack and, to a great extent, tears up your insides.

Things I Have Learned from Sugar-Induced Dreams

1) When you are driving a car that is made up entirely of an accelerator, a brake, a steering wheel, and a chair with no body and no wheels, you must be very sure that the brakes are working. Otherwise, it is very difficult to drive.

2) Film companies love to watch Oscar-style tribute videos of themselves, especially while on set in the middle of a shoot.

3) If you interrupt one of these videos, the angered crew will lock you in a very hot truck in the middle of a Texas heat wave. Make up to them by 'friending' them on Facebook.

4) Running gags are not always funny. This is generally the case when a running gag consists of repeated variations on your demise.

5) On the day before your first big date with a boy you like very much, you will discover that he is in fact not a person at all, but a robot with a human-face. He will rip it off in front of you ala the big reveal on a Scooby-Doo episode. You will cry but also wonder if his face is reattachable. And if he has humanoid junk in his pants.

6) When you are a realist, trying to fly in a lucid dream can be exceptionally difficult and somewhat dangerous. My tip: start from the ground and work up. Do not, under any circumstances, start at the edge of a tall building. Also, be really sure you are dreaming.

7) A tree is not a person, no matter how many times you try to turn it into one.

Bonus (for the Harry Potter fans out there): Yes, I can say from multiple experiences that flying on a broomstick and fighting Lord Voldemort with Harry and "the gang" is just about the coolest thing in the world. Also, Quidditch can be really painful when you are bludgeoned repeatedly with the Bludgers, but is totally worth it.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Films in February

So I noticed that every movie that has come out this month has gotten a B- or lower in reviews. Examples: Friday the 13th, He's Just Not That Into You, etc. Therefore, I have decided that I'm going follow the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind route and distribute my first feature in Febs. While I won't get the built-in audience that summer and December distribution has (warm weather and/or vacation time), I think the benefits far outway the slightly reduced viewership.

You see, even if it's a low-budget, star-free, wackadoodle comedy about pet shelters in Dallas, my film will look like gold compared to the other balls of goo that are shown that weekend, and the reviewers will be so happy just to watch something that isn't New in Town or Bride Wars that they'll rate my movie, "the best film of the year!" Then, moviegoers will be so surprised to see a film rated A- that they'll flood the theaters and I will be Box Office Number 1 until the good movies start coming out again in May.

And then I will make millions of dollars, retire to sunny California, and play with my many, many dogs.

Future figured out.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

First Post!

Hello friends!

Welcome to Artful Stew, my new blog, and thus one of my first steps into the world of technology that we all need to succeed in life. Yes, because you cannot get a job these days without a blog, and also I thought it might be fun.

Well, as the title says, this blog is going to be a stew, which I figure is pretty open to interpretation. As I journey out into the real world, there are a lot of things that I will need to learn, a lot of things to add to whatever metaphorical stew I am creating via my life... perhaps we can call it my life stew:

1) Healthy cooking. Well, cooking at all, really
2) How to get a job, and also picking the right job if options present themselves
3) How to keep whatever job I am able to get
4) Apartment hunting and subsequent maintenance
5) Furthering my comedic/writing(ic) potential career
6) Enjoying NYC outside of a university setting
7) I don't have a seven, but it's my favorite number. Deal with it.

So these are things that I will probably post about in a humorous manner. Other topics may or may not include: NY Times Science articles I think are neat, tips/rantings for recent kidney transplant recipients, general musings, and possibly adorable links to puppies courtesy of the Daily Puppy.

Topics aside, this blog is about stew. Stew that is artful. Decide for yourself what that means, and for now, I'll keep the ideas a'brewin' in my noggin' of chunky, sloppy, gulpable, word chowdah.

Yes, that was a shout out. Holla!