Thursday, July 30, 2009

Speaking of Neighbors...

Guy Who Looks Like a Younger, Sexier, Blue-Eyedier Harry Shearer, please stop leaving your apartment door open.

Since I have discovered that you are not, in fact, Harry Shearer, I have decided that it's weird how often I see you in the halls, and that I saw that you have a huge flat screen TV in front of your bed (since you apparently don't have a door to your room). I don't care if you are a swinging older bachelor, it just creeps me out.

The Voice(s) in the Vent

The next installment of what is quickly becoming a new Artful Stew series...

Thing we know about him:
1) He's definitely gay
2) He's SUPER gay
3) His friend is even gayer.

And by "super" and "gayer" I mean stereotypical. Why?

1) One of the voices (the one who doesn't live there but appears to just be over for drinks), I'll call him Guy 2, wanted to set up Guy 1 with a male choir singer who he's "known of... for a while"
2) Guy 2 is going to the Jersey Shore for a vacay Tues-Thurs, and he's going to spend the weekend in Fire Island (a notoriously gay hot spot due to its fiery temper and hot, hot men, I assume). Guy 1 is "filled with envy" because he can't go.
3) Guy 2 tells Guy 1 that he's a "social butterfly" who will find something to do. After all, they did just go to a "gorgeous ball" the night before. So there!
4) Guy 2 laughs the whole thing off that his trip is just to please a guy he dated for a while after high school.
5) Guy says, "Ugh, I've never had a boyfriend... (LONG PAUSE)... for that long"

Poor Guy 1! He's too busy working from home and singing along to Wicked to find the love of his life! As his vent-mate, I feel the need to help.

Anyone know any eligible bachelors? I've drawn up a personal ad:

Male, late 20s, friendly, talented singer with loud personality. Always there for his friends, like he's talking to you even if you're in another room! Looking for male partner with sizeable apartment fit for two. Loves sleepovers in exotic locations (anywhere but his room)!
If interested, please email:

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Writer on Writing

Sometimes I avoid writing at all costs. This is generally when the writing needs to be:

a) funny
b) good
c) turned in at a certain time
d) all of the above

For whatever reason, it seems like a looming, ominous cloud hanging above me that spells out the words, "You're gonna blow it." So I'll do other work (usually a writing project that doesn't need to be any good), or browse the internet (Google Reader!), or watch a TV show, anything but write what I don't want to write. But when I finally take out the paper (or pull it up on Word) and start typing, regardless of whether it's good or not, I get excited and jittery in a good way, like things are happening and I'm at the head. Like I've got all these great ideas inside and me, damnit, they're going to come out whether they're coherent or not!

At the end of the process, I've generally got a shitty enough first draft to work with, but it's funny how simply not starting something can make you avoid it all the more, even when you know that if you just get started, just a little bit, you're going to get through it.

Writing is funny that way. So is life. Neat.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Sundaes Take the Lead!

4 hours left - for a second there rainy days looks like it was going to take the lead but no! Someone gave the last-minute push to Sundaes!

If you're in it to win it, vote now - this is the final countdown.

** Update - Sundaes take the WIN! Let's all go eat ice cream everyone, ok?

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Health Care Reform

This NY Times article (appropriately named "Health Care Reform") is comprehensive and clear.

Read it. And then please do what you can to turn the idea of health care reform into a reality.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Poll Alert!

In a surprise turn of events, sundaes has taken the lead! For days it lagged behind "Rainy Days" and "Nights, obvs" but it turns out some people do just love ice cream!

But it's never too late for a comeback! Sundaes leads by a mere vote - any two vote in another direction could turn the tide entirely!

It's up to you, readers!

New Feature!

For those of you who want to note that you liked my post but don't want to leave a whole comment, please see the "Reactions" label at the bottom of each post. You can check one of the boxes (like "funny" or "interesting") and then I'll know what you thought of it!

The Management here at Artful Stew

The Voice in the Vent

As I sit in my room chilling out after an extensive (but overall rewarding) job interview, the Voice in the Vent (male, mid-30s, unknown sexual orientation) is

1) Singing a song, I believe of his own writing, a capella
2) Ranting about a JFK conspiracy
3) Noting, as though it's obvious, that it's Kristin Chenoweth's birthday today
4) Noting the stock market (apparently the Dow is up)
5) Robots.

If you will recall, this is the same (unemployed? Odd-houred employed? Home-employed?) guy who was singing Wicked the other week. I want to know - what does this guy do? And who is he on the phone with?

*Update, he just said, "Don't ask about my sexual orientation, Judy" and started singing again, this time while on the phone.

Too Cute

Who doesn't love Cashew(s)?

Monday, July 20, 2009

Stew of the Week

Is on vacation due to the glory that is Restaurant Week.

Later this week I'll write a jam-packed double-header Stew to make up for it.

Cool beans?

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Brilliantly Funny New Blog!


I just got a hot tip from a reliable source that an up-and-coming comedy writer named "Nate" is publishing his new webcomic on

Let me tell you, readers. I've been there. I've seen it. And I love it. His jokes are original and fresh (the last comic in his most recent post might just be my favorite) and his drawing style is quirky and light-hearted. Half the humor is in the picture, as all good comics have.

As the first of what will soon be a huge fan base, let me just say that "Nate's Cartoons" is a webcomic to watch. I, for one, hope that this raving review will let me ride his coattails to fame and fortune.

Look out, xkcd, there's a new guy in town. And he's hotter than you.

Here's a sneak peek:

Friday, July 17, 2009


I know I should feel bad because he owners haven't properly groomed him so I can't see his eyes and he probably can't see much of anything, but he's still just so adorable.

Soft-coated wheaton terrier
? More like soft-coated love-that terrier!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Cats are Manipulative. Deal with It!

I must have seen at least 20 links to the article about how cats adjust their whines to make their owners feed them more or pet them more or do whatever the crap they want.

Spoiler Alert: Everyone already knew that!

I'm not saying that cats are dbags or anything, but, come on, as far as pet-to-human manipulation goes, the cat takes the cake. You're never going to see a dog who doesn't have his heart on his sleeve. You pretend to throw the ball, your dog will chase after where you would have thrown it (note: you are the dbag in this scenario, as dogs following where you're pointing is what separates them from wolves psychologically and allows us to communicate with. So stop devolving our relationship with our best friend, please!). Cats, on the other hand, use reverse psychology by ignoring you and pretending they don't care so that you get so desperate for love you overfeed them and they get fat.

The manipulative whine is just icing. And, Sunny, that's metaphorical icing, not real icing, so please remove your paws from my kitchen table. Good boy.

Is Wal-Mart Beating the US?

I can't say I like Wal-Mart. In fact, there have been multiple occasions where I've said I outright hate the company. And for good reason. It can be a super-huge ****hole.

On this particular occasion, though, Wal-Mart, our favorite corporate demon (besides McDonald's, of course) is actually doing something entirely of their own accord for the benefit of the consumer and the environment alike: it's putting environmental-impact labels on clothing and other consumer goods. Just because they think that's the right thing to do.

Weird? Yes. Interesting idea? Certainly. Will it work (in the fight against global warming)? I really, really hope so.

So what do you guys think? Will it work? What's Wal-Mart's angle? Do you think they read my "Earth is Mother" 100% organic cotton T-Shirt that had a pretend nutrition fact label on it but isntead of nutrition it put environmental impact and were inspired? Because if not, that's a weird coincidence.

Despicable You? Despicable Me!

Looking at the list of actors in this, Despicable Me is going to be weird but hilarious.

I'm game.

Sandfish! X-Rays! Science!

So this is f'd up and AWESOME.

Shout out to Liz for sharing this on Google Reader. Also, to read the full article, go here.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Monday, July 13, 2009

Goatscaping via Rent-A-Goat

One fine day when I own a lawn and have moneys in my pockets, I will SO rent (own?) goats instead of buying a lawn mower. Why?

A) More adorable
B) More environmentally friendly
C) Childhood memories restored and reinvigorated! (Yes, I grew up on a ranch with a whole herd of goats. And, I know this is hard to believe, but it's even awesomer than what you'd imagine.)

The Healthiest Stuff on Earth

Can't say I didn't know most of it, but interesting and good to have handy to remind you.

The Healthiest Foods on Earth.

Brilliantly Bubbly

This picture of a bubble mid-pop is cooler than your mom. Just admit it.

Sunday, July 12, 2009


Also, I heard that if you have a nightmare and then tell someone about it, you won't have it again. I can say that this has so far proven effective, as I have not yet dreamed again about the horrible giant prehistoric underwater snake monsters (the size of subway trains, no joke) that, Jurassic Park style, exploded out of their liquid tank tubular holders in an island-hotel and immediately started killing people while the acidic water they were kept in burned people alive and OF COURSE the government quarantined the entire island leaving the poor people who just wanted to stay at the new hotel to fend for themselves against mutant snake monsters and lava-water but at least I had just found the leader of the anti-government escape movement before I woke up.

Also, I'm totally turning that into a Jurassic Park-style action thriller. It'll sell for millions and kick ass at the box office. Yeah, get ready for that, World.

What the F*#$?

A) Interesting article on swearing
B) I am highly discouraged by the lack of people who read this blog.

Therefore, tonight I will not be giving my weekly Stew of the Week (which was to be a delightful post about butternut squash ravioli). Instead, I'm going to watch internet TV and catch up on Google Reader, becoming increasingly more jealous of the popularity of other blogs. Oh, also this is interesting for those of us with transplants who entertain the idea of longevity.

Also, I wonder if the people in my vents know I can hear them when they sing loudly along to "Wicked" because I really don't mind. In fact, I love that soundtrack and would like to hear it more often. However, I do wish my neighbors were more like Broadway performers and less like drunken Irish folk singers. Clearly, we don't always get what we want.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Really, Readers, Really?

Come on, guys! Only 11 people read my blog? Seriously? Jeez, that's just sad.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


MacGruber, as funny as the running sketch is in comparison to other recent SNL sketches, is not a movie and will never be one, regardless of whether they film something and slap it on a screen.

Seriously, who thinks this could ever work?

Ghostbusters 3?!

Apparently, it's happening.

First "Year One," now this?! Harold Ramis, you've done it again!

Spoiler Alert: the joke is that all the original Ghostbusters have come back from the dead as ghosts and now Bill Murray's son has to ghostbust them!

Writing Funny is Tough

So last week at sketch class, I got the old, "been there, done that" note. This week I get, "Way too off the charts weird." Where's the middle ground?

Also, come on, what's so weird about a little girl choking on a '72 vintage McFeast? Seems logical enough to me. (wiki "McDonalds" and look under "Discontinued Items" if you don't know what I'm talking about)

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Stew of the Week

Vegan ice cream.

Usually soy, coconut, or hemp based ice cream. Generally less creamy than the real stuff, but not icey like Italian ice. On a scale of 1-5 for creamiest, 5 being real ice cream, 1 being Italian ice, I'd give it a 4. Also, the flavors are rich, similar to a gelato, which more than makes up for any lack of texture. Also, depending on where you go, it can come in all kinds of flavors - cookie dough, chocolate fudge, bananas foster, stratiacella, mint chocolate chip, etc etc.

1) F'in delicious
2) 1/2 fat, 2/3 calories, low sat fat, no cholesterol.
3) Did I mention delicious?

1) Well, I'm not sure how to make it (haven't looked up any recipes yet), and I wouldn't be able to verify any because, spoiler alert, I don't own an ice cream maker, BUT, that being said...
2) STOGO, in NYC on 10th St and 2nd Ave, is super tasty. I had the fudge brownie tonight, and, omg, chocolatey with chunks of brownie in it. So good! The first two owners trained under the one of the top ice cream guys in the biz. Then he jumped on the bandwagon, too! Other benefits of Stogo? All organic + no refined sugars = healthy for you and the environment.
3) Your grocery store? We've all seen them, but I have not verified any sort of grocery-store vegan ice cream. Have any of you? What was it like? Does it deserve our attention or is it totes whack? As you all know, I love a good vegan dessert because it'll keep me healthy and my sweet tooth satiated, but it isn't worth it if it isn't delicious. Tell me your thoughts!

So while you have to be a bit wary (I once had chocolate vegan ice cream that tasted like bananas. It was odd), check the reviews of your local vegan ice cream place or dealers and try it out. Then let me know what you think! Also, if you don't live in the NYC, please post a comment recommending a place in your own neighborhood (I'm looking at you Marya, for SF, and you Nicole, for LA, please!) In the meantime, I'm stickin' with Stogo. Delicious.

Happy Stewing, Everyone!

Friday, July 3, 2009

Oh Jeez...

So far, according to my poll, I've been talking to myself this entire time.

My life in ruins.* For realz.

(*Is my life worse than the movie I'm referencing? Hope it hasn't gotten that bad yet...)