Squirrelpocalypse Now: Coming of the Squirrelmageddon

Man's best friend tried to warn us, but the enemy has grown too strong.



"A bit of a reputation for a vicious streak" - clearly this journalist has not been reading my blog. All Artful Stew readers know this is normal behavior for a squirrel, the criminally insane, hyper-aggressive, adrenaline junkies they are.

Personally, I think this was a freak attack, an outsider, and this squirrel will be punished by its superiors - not for attacking, no, but for letting the news of the attack get out. The last thing THEY want us to know is just how powerful they are. And if a dog like this can't take one down, there isn't much hope left for the rest of us.

Who Knew?

These are the original puggles*.



*For those not in the breed-lingo know, a "puggle" is a popular term for a pug+beagle puppy. The original puggles, as seen in this... adorable (?) photo, are actually baby echidnas. Check them out at Neatorama or Zoo Borns.

A Splash of Happy News

Courtesy of USA Today and Neatorama, I bring you a tale (tail!) of the unbreakable bond between human and animal, and the strength and endurance of our fuzzy friends in the face of insurmountable odds (and in this case, the Great White North, or, at least, winds therefrom).

Kitty Popsicle Melts in Warm Towels and the Arms of Shelter Volunteers, Lives to Lick Another Day

Almost as heart-warming as diving into a basket of freshly dried laundry.

Muppeting the Rounds

I know this has been making the rounds, but, come on, it's just too good to not post.

Have I ever mentioned my undying love for all things muppet? I guess it goes along with my whole obsession with childhood-nostalgia-Pixar-animation-etc, but still - muppets = magic. Just watch and enjoy.

Puppy Love

I love this puppy when he's playing - when he's pouty - when he's messy - when he's wet - even when he's muddy. I love this puppy for all that he is. Good ol' fashioned puppy love.

Stomps from the Vent

UPDATE: I've now changed my position from elephants getting settled in to elephants wrestling for dominance. It's just a guess, but I have a sneaking suspicion I'm right.

TV Dramas

Here are the reasons why I dislike watching TV dramas:

1. Once I watch one, I have to watch them all.

2. They can be super duper depressing, especially if I watch them all at once (which is what I tend to do).

3. If I do start watching them once a week like I'm supposed to, I think about them for the whole week, finding it very difficult to disassociate myself from the world in which the drama inhabits.

For example, I watched the entire first season of "Dexter" early on in my vast period of unemployment, and during this time I was constantly locking my doors because I was terrified a serial killer would attack me.

Tonight, out of boredom due to the fact that I'd watched all of my comedies and reality shows, I started watching "V" because I like things with aliens in them. Now I'm terrified that I'll think everyone is a secret alien out to destroy me and, honestly, I'm not a huge fan of conspiracy theories (I prefer to think that I'm going to be ok and everyone's not out to get me). Also, does it gross anyone else out that the kid on there wants to bang an alien chick even though he knows she's an alien chick? I mean, come on, he doesn't know how old she is or if she even has regular lady parts! Now that's what I find most unbelievable.

Sigh. Well, I guess until Netflix puts all of Friends on Instant Watch, this is what I'm stuck with. Could be worse, I suppose. I could be watching the news.

Stomps from the Vent

Either someone's moving into the apartment above me or the building has suddenly expanded its pets policy from none to elephants.

Personally, I'm hoping for the elephants.

xkcd, this is why I love you.

I had forgotten entirely about the existence of Skifree until the moment I read this comic. Nostalgic sigh. Good work, xkcd, good work.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I'm thankful for all of you, for blogspot for giving me a forum to speak my truths, and for my family, friends, and boyfriend for encouraging me to share my thoughts with the world in the first place.

Hugs all around, team!

What's the Deal with Cartoonists?

Why do they always draw a turkey, a watermelon and other improbable and unseasonal food in fridges?

I mean, usually I have some grated parm, apples, milk, leftover pizza, Smart Balance, peanut butter and jam in my fridge - and that's it. Because that's the way real people live - with enough supplies to make Annie's Reduced-Sodium Mac n Cheese and-or peanut butter sandwiches, because those are the only foods vital to my survival. Watermelons? Whole turkeys? I don't think so.

That's right, readers, I am a real person, a real person who is a very lazy cook. And I'm taking a stand for all of us against the big wigs in the SF (Syndicated Funnies).

On that note, to read some subversive, non-syndicated, non-The-Man funnies, do your anti-civic duty and check out Nate's Cartoons. Shout out!

Why are my neighbors so unpopular?

It's Saturday night at 9 PM and my internet is going crazy slow - and why is it ever crazy slow? Because other people are using it (not mine, personally, but presumably also Time Warner and therefore mine by proxy). Therefore, a large number of people in my building are at home right now.

Now I have a reason. I needed a nice break from the wild social life I've been leading all week. But, seriously, everyone? Come on, guys, get in the game! Go out! Please!

Because I'd really like to watch "Modern Family" and my Netflix Instant watch in uninterrupted peace.

Voice in the Vent

Unsurprisingly, the horse noises are back.

Actually surprisingly, after a particularly loud sheep noise, the voice responded, "Mom?"

I don't even want to know.

Dogs are Amazing!

Don't you agree?

Puppies! Puppies! Puppies!

It's way too crazy of a week, so I've decided that everyone could use a little more puppy. Thanks, Daily Puppy!

Go, Up, Go!

Wouldn't it be great if it won Best Picture? Especially since WALL-E wasn't even nominated for Best Picture last year and it so clearly deserved it.

Annoying Alert!

Really, Hollywood, really? You're worse than an Ivy League school.

PS. Love this line at the end: "'We think that the contest is helping to dispel the myth that there's a lack of diverse writers in Hollywood," said Kimberly Myers, the director of diversity for WGA West." Myth?! This whole article is about how it is not a myth, but a shitty reality, and the contest is not designed to dispel a myth but to fess up ot it and fix the situation. Ugh, people are lame.

Squirrelpocalypse Now: Coming of the Squirrelmaggedon

Finally! People are realizing the dangers...

The Things I Think About

(on the way home tonight)

1. A "Sleepys" ad on the front of a bus does not make me want to ride that bus. Why? Because nothing good can happen to anyone who is sleepy on a bus. If the rider's sleepy, he or she could fall asleep and miss the stop, or worse, fall asleep and get robbed while (s)he is sleeping, or worst, fall asleep, miss the stop, and get robbed. If the driver's sleepy, best case scenario is that makes it the worst ride ever, middle case scenario is that they miss a stop or run a red light or bump a parked car, worst case scenario is that everyone dies. So, Sleepys, all I'm saying is, I've got primo ad space on my bed frame. Just think about it.

2. PBS is trying to rip me off. Why? Because they think I'm stupid, too stupid to realize that they're lazy. I spent my entire subway ride home trying to read their ad for the new NOVA series "Becoming Human," about human evolution. Now, I can read (I know, I was shocked, too), but what I couldn't figure out was why the list of steps for how we became human changed for each ad. One had 9 steps, another had 11. So which did they forget in the ad that had 9 steps? I DON'T KNOW. They hid steps 5 and 11 behind the PBS logo in 2 of the ads. So while one ad had steps 1 - 9 clearly labeled, another had two mysterious steps that were shadowed out. The weird thing is, step 5 in the first ad was step 6 in the second ad, so it's like they wanted to make it seem like there were more steps, so they cover one up with a logo, but then since that step doesn't exist, they just move step 5 to step 6. AS THOUGH I WON'T NOTICE. Fools. It gets weirder, though, because the shadowed-out steps have half-drawings (each step is accompanied by a drawing cleverly illustrating the step) and even the first letter of the step there to fool you into thinking that step actually existed ("W"? W - what? Where are they going with this!?), but instead someone just designed two generic-looking drawings just so they would have a placeholder for the logo without having to think of 2 new actual steps. PBS, all I'm saying is, either think of 2 new steps, or just cover up the steps you had before - I don't know if you have a contract with the artist stating that you cannot cover up his work or something, but come on, I'm a smart person - I'm in on your scheme. Also, I definitely dabble in the graphic arts. And I work for cheap. Think about it.

Christmas Present, Please!

Thanks to Liz and The Daily Otter.

Happy Corgi Day!

Courtesy of the Daily Puppy

Gotta love the Corgis. Always a winner.

Shout Out! Ghost Toast!

To steal from Liz's blog...

Check out Shira’s and Jake’s web series, Ghost Toast! It’s way awesome. Also, I’m in the first episode. Enough said.

Today's Adorable Grown-Up Puppy

That is what I thought was the headline for this cute little fella. Turns out it was actually "Adoptable" but I figure he's both. Look at his goofy face with his tongue lolling about and his ear flopped to the side! What is it about discordination that is so appealing? There's something about big ears and noses and expressions that make humans go crazy into adorable land, and how many romantic movies have the goofy, clumsy guy/girl as the romantic interest? But I wonder what the scientific reason why is? Shouldn't we, biologically, dislike imperfection?

When I was little, I'd always go for the stuffed animals with the splayed eyes or the ratty fur. I used to say I wanted the runt of the litter whether we were talking about kids (baby goats) or stuffed monkeys (though of course that could have something to do with the fact that I am the runt of my own litter, so maybe I was just projecting my own need for companionship onto them, who knows). What do you guys think? Why are we so attracted to physical (in looks and action) flaws?

PS. I was in IKEA the other day and there were signs labeling stuffed animals as "soft toys." What's up with that? Anyone? That's weird, right? Is this some sort of PC terminology for stuffed animals or is it just a Swedish thing?

Spoiler Alert: Butterflies are Pretty!

And here are some other pictures of our winged friends, courtesy of Ezzal. I like this one because he's getting a free ride, albeit from a slow taxi.

You Know You're Not Working Hard Enough When...

... a Twitter account gets a CBS sitcom and you can't break 20 regular blog readers.

Team, we need to step it up a notch. Since I'm not very creative (obvs) I feel like if I just jam together all the things on the Internets that are making money nowadays we can really make start raking in the green. It's like adaptation for blogging, by blogging.

1) Obtain a wacky relative

2) Become a quirky foodie and attempt to make all of Rachel Ray's 30-Minute-Meals in one year

3) Read one (real! live!) newspaper a day for a year

4) Draw a stick figure comic all about love, life, and the nerdy, technical mishaps of playing with one's iPod Touch

5) Sell out 1 : sell my forehead for advertising and post one YouTube video a day wherein I wear the forehead accoutrement and say something that would be boring if I didn't have a silly slogan plastered above my eyebrows

6) Sell out 2: get a company like Tums to sponsor my blog and then constantly talk about the amazing heartburn relief I've been having lately

7) Post pictures of yummy sprinkles every day

8) Post pictures of adorable sea monkeys every day

9) Post pictures of disgusting-in-a-funny-way vats of lard

10) Hire a TISCH student as an intern to ghost-write my blog for me

What could go wrong?

Squirrelpocalypse Now: The Coming of the Squirrelmageddon

They've infiltrated our sports - and just listen to what the commentator says - how could he have learned the army crawl if he hasn't been training with his squirrel legions for a massive worldwide takeover? Riddle me that, America!

SHOUT OUT!

Comedy Festival Shmamedy Shmestival, that's my friend Michael!!!!

He made it!!... To the Comedy Central Insider's Blog's video about the NY Comedy Festival that he's blogging about for Caroline's (you can read all about him on michaelsmoleskin.blogspot.com or the Caroline's blog, whatever that is).

So go to about 1.5 min in to see him! He's the guy in the back with the green camera looking giddy to be standing so close to famous funnies. No worries, M-dogs, you, too, will be a famous funny someday. Here's hoping it's someday soon so I can ride your coattails to glory.

PS. CCIB's embed code is f'd in the a, so here's the link. Go to there!

Sesame Street + Google = Bugle?

From the Official Google Blog...

Of course, what I, as a former-math-nerd, was hoping for was an elaborate song about the noun "googol" as opposed to the verb "I google" (which I suppose for Cookie Monster's sake meant that he "googles" his eyes around because he as "googly" eyes. Though I'm not sure about that usage grammatically, it is always fun seeing him throw his eyes around like that). There wasn't even any mention of a "googolplex" or 1 x 10^100 (10^googol), my favorite number as a child, before Google even existed and hijacked the spelling.

Personally, I blame Google for my loss of interest in the mathematical world. I got so confused after "googol" became "Google" that I refused to deal with it anymore. So there you go, Google, thanks a lot. I coulda been a contender, a mathlete contender!

Awww...

Sometimes I love the world. I was just about to type in "How do you know if an apple has gone bad" because I wasn't sure about the one I was biting into, but in my handy Google search bar the suggestions were:

1. How do you know if a guy likes you

2. How do you know if a girl likes you

3. How do you know if your (grammar!!) pregnant (ick)

4. How do you know if you are in love? (AWWWW)

5. How do you know if you are pregnant (I like how poor grammar supersedes good grammar)

6. How do you know if your in love (GRAMMAR!)

7. How do you know when you are ovulating

8. How do you know if you love someone

9. How do you know when you are in love

10. How do you know if a boy likes you

I love that every single one of those has to do with the opposite sex, and that 4 out of 10 had the word "love" in them. Awww, world.

I Don't Want to Live on the Moon

One of my favorite songs from Sesame Street. If I could, I'd fall asleep to this every night, just to remind myself to be happy where I am, with the people I love.

You can watch it/search for it here at Sesamestreet.org.

Great Moments from "Ghostbusters"

1. Back off, man, I'm a scientist.

2. Listen! Do you smell something?

3. Are you serious about catching ghosts? - I'm always serious.

4. You've never been out of college! You don't know what it's like in the private sector - they expect you to produce things!

5. I believe we were destined to get thrown out of this dump (Columbia)!

6. Calm down, everyone has 3 mortgages nowadays.

7. I just worked out, see, I tape the 20 minute workout and then play it back at twice the speed so it only takes 10 minutes. It's a great workout.

8. Do you have any hobbies? - I collect spores, molds, and fungus.

9. Hey! It's Ray! I'm with Venkman! He got slimed! - That's great, Ray.

10. Don't cross the streams.

11. Nice shooting, Tex.

12. We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

13. (Not a quote) Ray has a dream that a ghost gives him a BJ!? How did I miss that as a kid?

14. If there's a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe anything you say.

15. (Not a quote) I love that the bad guy is a dude from the EPA. Ha! As if they have any power.

16. (Not a quote) Staypuft is introduced in the 1st and 2nd scene with Dana - they're right next the incredible, edible, exploding eggs. Neat, huh?

17. I'm going to bring this up at the next tenants' meeting - there are not supposed to be any pets in the building! (also, Louis' accountant lingo when he introduces people to the party and to the food is hilarious - salmon from Novia Scotia for only $14.95 - that's amazing!)

18. You are so kind to take care of that man. You're a real humanitarian. - I don't think he's human (Egon).

19. I've seen TV, I know you can't come in here without a warrant or a writ or something.

20. (not a quote) LOVE how smoggy NYC was in the 80s. Seriously, it's like people were breathing garbage.

21. She's not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she's my client and she sleeps above her covers - 4 feet about above her covers!

22. I gotta split. The mayor wants to rap with me about some things.

23. Yes, it's true. This man has no dick (scuffle) well that's what I heard!

24. Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria!

25. If I'm right, you, Lenny, will have saved the lives of millions of registered voters.

26. (Venkman to Peck(er))I'm gonna get you a nice fruit basket. I'm gonna miss him!

27. When we get to the 20s (floor) tell me. I'm gonna throw up.

28. Ok, so... she's a dog.

29. When someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes!

30. I tried to think of the most harmless thing... Mr. Staypuft.

31. Nobody steps on a church in my town!

32. We've been going about this all wrong. This Mr. Staypuft's ok. He's a sailor. He's in New York. We get this guy laid we won't have any trouble.

33. You're going to endanger our client, the nice lady who paid us in advance before she turned into a dog.

34. (not a quote) The shot of the incinerating marshmallow man, and the subsequent dropping of goo on top of Mr. Peck(er).

35. I feel like the floor of a taxi cab.

36. Ugh, it smells like BBQ'd dog hair. Oh, oh, Venkman, I'm sorry, I forgot.

37. Go check on that little guy!

38. Boy, the superintendent's going to be pissed.

39. We're the Ghostbusters. - Who does your taxes? - We'd like to get a sample of your brain tissue - Ok.

40. Let me tell you something, busting makes me feel good. (from the song)